Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in taby_m's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
2:05 pm	Void Of Emotion? Sometimes I seriously worry about myself, like not in a selfish way, but that I am not normal like I ought to be. I make a lot of connections with a lot of people, this is not the problem really, it's really just because I have this issue where I am not making a stronhg emotional conncetion with any of them. I worry because I know this is not normal, and I don't want to wind up alone one day, surrounded by people I know, but some how I feel like I don't know them at all. I look at my friends, I know them, I know who they are, we hang out some times, but for some reason I always feel like the out sider. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere. I think I might use my boy friend as an escape, he is a reason to stay away from some of the, but when he talks about his friends it only makes me realize that I don't have what he has. I don't want to die alone and lonely. Right now there is only one place where I really feel like I belong, and that s with josh. That's because for once, some one is always calling me when they are doing something, and AI am always being included. But some how that is not the case with my friends, they will do things, and go out with each other, and I just won't be asked. Just because i have a boy friend? I don't even really know why I am not included, even by those I consider my best friends. How can I feel like I have friedns, if they don't seem to want to be with me, when I really want to be with them, if that is not a blow to my ego I don't really know what is. It isn't as though I am not grateful of my friends, I love them to death, but this feeling of being an outsider is really painful. I don't know maybe I'm just imagining it, but oh well. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Wake Up-Three days Grace (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
9:17 pm	How can life be more splendid I am so unbelievably happy, I didn't know that I could possibly be as happy as I find myself today. Well my mom hates me for some reason, but she always seemed to be like that before, so it doens't really bother me, because i am so in love that I don't even care any more. Josh is the most amazing guy i've ever met. He makes me finally feel like i'm worth something, you have no idea how good it feels to belong somewhere. It's so nice just laying in his arms an knowing that no one else belongs there but you, and that when he is holding me, all he wants is just to be with me. I love everything about him, =) finally perfectly happy. I know that i'm the only girl in his head, and there is no other guy out there for me! Current Mood: ecstatic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 9th, 2005
10:42 pm	Laaa Tee Da So I think i'm in love, but shhhh dont' tell any one, because i've never beent his happy before and i wouldn't ruin it for anything on the planet!!! Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
12:53 pm	Well i think i can finish off my story now! Well i met him through a friend of mine, and honestly I didn't even think i stood a chance, but it is such an amazing feeling to be secure and safe with some one, and not have to worry if they are using you, because you know that they want to be with you. Josh makes me so happy to, he just always knows what to say, and when he compliments me I actually feel specail, I love every minute that we get to spend together!! Any who I think i'm done now!! TM+JJ April 16th <3 Current Mood: content Current Music: Beautiful (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 30th, 2005
2:50 pm	Oh Hevan's Things are going my way! I knew if I was a paitent girl things woudl eventually go my way, and they finally really really have. I've never been as happy as I am now. I found the most amazing guy on the planet, and you knwo what's really odd, he likes me back. Now he is mine. His name is Josh, and he is my boy friend! (Comment on this)
Monday, March 21st, 2005
8:38 pm	WOWEY So I am in this amazingly happy mood, for no reason. And i'm in love with it, This mood, is just... wow, I'm happy regradless of anything that is going on in my life, I can just smile, and i don't know why that is because i'm the kind of person who needs to worry about anything that is wrong or can go wrong in my life. But right now, i'm just blissfully and ignorantly happy. I met my nefew this thursday, he is so amazingly perfect, happy beautiful everything a baby should be, he is a whopping six months old. And he is just the best boy god ever even made. Now my brother and his wife are stranded in canada because the border red flagged their car, because they think my brother is going to try and illegally find work in the states, but this now means that Jen and He are totaly moving here, NOW hehe they are finding an apparment and staying here now. This is such amazing news, because i missed Tyler so bad, it hurts some times. But now he is here to stay! I'm just so happy. I think i might have a crush... on some one i have no chance with...and it doesnt even bother me =) Titter titter!! Love you all, each and every one of you!! Current Mood: giddy Current Music: No music but my hamsters wheel is squeeking up a tune (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
8:25 pm	Feeling Worthless I feel sick to my stomach. Because of me, myself that is, oddly enough. I can't even stand to look at myself any more. Guys like me, that's not the problem, that makes me feel good, sure why wouldn't it. But why, why is it, I can't understand it, why do they not want to keep me? Sure okay I can deal with it. I am not going to cry about it. But why is it, that my freindship isn't even good enough for them, why is it, that i'm fuck budie or nothing, that I can't just be a friend. I am nothing but a piece of ass, a piece of fucking ass. I am nothing that's what's wrong, i'm not worth anything more than that. I'm not that pretty, meh at best. So i guess i must just give off an easy fibe. I don't know, it hurts Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
7:52 pm	Things are ....wierd So things have been really really weird with me lately things have popped up that bother me. and somethings that already were bad.. got worse. Here is the short list 1) One of my friends, close friends, has been acting weird with me, making moves on me. This bothers me because not only is the weird, but he totally has a girl friend and i've went through all that kinda ting before and I really don't want to do that again. 2) One of my other close friends has become slightly more "friendly" with me. This is a bad thing because i've made this wonderful pledge to myself where I do NOT fool around with guys until they are mine(a.k.a. my boy friend) And i don't want a bad reputation so i've decided to stick with this. 3)So apparently i've become a slut who likes to hurt boys, just because she can. All this because I cuddle with a couple of my male friends on my couch. This by the way comes from my parents. Apparently these boys have no idea that we are just friends, even though i go out of my way to make sure that they know that I am just a friend. But appaently not only am i currently hurting boys... but I've probably done it in the past? This is all news to me.. but apparently facts to them...Oh well. Oh ya finally all of my friends seem to think I like a guy who half of them like. I don't know where they get this from seeing as i never once said i liked him. Oh no wait i know, it's because i hug him.. right so when he walks up to me with his arms open.. i should just walk up to him give him a pat on the head and continue on my way. Cause i'm just like that. Apparently everything I do is just hurting people. Go me. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
11:22 pm	Oh No I don't understand boys, I've said it once I'll say it again. Why is there this persistant thing with them, it's like they HAVE to hold on, they know how you feel but they just keep trying. I just don't want to hurt any one any more, it's not fair to them, so why do they keep doing it. Oh well this one was cheap but i needed to rant. Later Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Now or Never (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
9:55 pm	HERE Devan, happy now So I've decided to update... or rather i've been told to update. Hmm I can't even remember what my previous Journal entry even consisted of really. So let me think, well you probably haven't heard about jeff, who is like the sweetest guy of all time. He totaly goes out of his way to make me feel like something totaly speical and cherished. And when I'm with him I actually do feel that way. Honestly he is the only guy who has ever made me feel that speical, some times when he compliments me I actually believe it. The only problem here is, that I don't like him, or at least not like that. I mean I love him to death, but just as friends. I know that is totaly horrible, and I really should like him, and I don't know why I don't, but that feeling just isn't there, you know that feeling you get in your stomache like you've missed a step every time that "special someone" even brushes your hand with theirs. I didn't get that feeling. I would really like that feeling now, because I am pretty sure that I am ready for it, only I don't even know where to begin to look for my "specail someone". I really miss that feeling, I haven't had it in such a long time, or maybe not so long ago, but it feels like forever. Well I'm still looking, I will be patient, hey if your out there I'm right HERE! Until next time!! Current Mood: chipper Current Music: The Used (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
3:44 pm	Hmmm Well, lately there has really been nothing all that new going on. but that would make for a really shitty update, so let me think. I've been trying really hard, to help my darling friend with her boy friends, or rather her inability to rid her self of a certain boy. Wow honestly, some people are jsut more trouble than they are worth. Not even jsut guys either, like a certain girl, a girl who likes guys to like her, just so she can say that they like her and not you. Okay i know this certain person is pretty, does she honestly need to prove that to me over and over again by trying to steal the guys i like? Like seriously this girl leads guys on to make them like her, so is a HUGE tease, and not only that, but I jsut have to look at a guy twice and she is on them. Oh well! lol Current Mood: annoyed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 17th, 2005
11:22 pm	Oops it's been a while So let me think, what's new with me, I must say, a whole lot of nothing. I am such a bitch though, I am leading some one on, well i am not doing it on purpose, but that is the result. This has happened before,I guess I cannot be nice to a guy without them suspecting (or rather assuming) that I like them, in other ways than i actually do. I keep doing it though, it is just who I am, I'm a very friendly person. I would say i would stop, but i know i can't. And when you specifically tell a guy that this is "NOT a date!" why don't they take it that way, why do they still assume that it is. I mean why is it that you cannot just hang out with another guy.It is totaly frustrating. I would rather be alone, than have to keep on hurting these guys, I feel totaly bad for them. I don't want to be a bitch i jsut want to be their friend. Oh well, i dedicate this entry to Devan you rock my socks! lol there are you happy i updated. And to my nadia because she doesn't think i fully gratified her in previous entries. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Socail Code, Beautiful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 19th, 2004
9:20 pm	Better I am feeling So much better lately, i don't even care about all that junk from before, not anymore anyway. I'm so happy, semi went so great, I took my friend Jon, he is totaly sweet, made my night! Everyone liked my dress, Nadia was amazing she really made my ngiht special don't know what I'd do with out her! Great news, Devan!! She might be hooking up, she totaly deserves it, I hope they do! Well i'm headin out, Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
5:39 pm	What a Crappy Week. I know i said i was going to be happy soon, it's just taking longer than usual. To many bad things have happened this week. From losing a new friend, to prety much losing someone who means the world to me. I guess it should be expected, I actually think I jinxed myself, I was happy for so long, I was so hopeful, I guess deep down I was just asking myself how long it was going to last. Note to self, don't do that anymore. The guy I am CONSTANLY talking about he used to make me feel so good about my self, he made me feel like I was so special, as though he spent his entire day just looking forward to when he could talk to me next, he made me feel intelligant. He made me feel strong and weak all at once, strong because he made me feel like I could take on the world, but weak because he made me want to be with him so much, but that didn't matter because he acted like he would protect me to his dying breath. He acted as though when he looked at me he saw all the beauty the world had to offer, but most of all he acted like he cared about every single thing that happened in my life, the bad and the good. He once told me that he would be fine listening to me bitch about a broken nail for an hour, becuase he would just be happy hearing me speak. I don't know i guess I needed to hear these things, because ever since i've lost that, any confidence and self worth has gone with it. It's as though i went from feeling completely special and amazing to feeling like no one in there right mind would want to be with me. Can't really blame me, no one has really ever wanted me, I'm not taling about friends, but an actual love, like the kind of feeling like they could spend the rest of their lives with me. Hell even my father got sick of me. I just wish I could figure out what is so wrong with me, you know what makes me so easy to get over and forget about. Either that or stop wanting to find someone, it's not healthy i should be fine by myself. It is like i'm relying on this, I don't understand this though, because i've never had it before. On the bright side, I might have a new semi date (my old one backed out) so I might not have to go to semi all on my lonesome, I'll get to show off my dress, I'm so proud of it, it turned out just as it should have! I can't believe I made my semi dress. Umm I am trying to think of other things that are on the happier side so I don't sound so pathetic. I'm doing awesome in school! I finally got a reasonably decent mark in gym, it's not as great as i want it to be, but in the words of my teacher, my movement skills are incompetent. So i'm saying this is a good mark for some one who lacks such competence (and i only had to argue it up for fifteen minutes to get it there) I tried so hard I stayed after class everyday trying my best to make my self better, I'm totaly pleased with it, I don't have to have the very best marks. But on the even brighter side badminton next!! I may not be great, but it's soooo much fun! P.S. Devan your the best, thanks for putting up with my whining! Your my goddess Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Metallica (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
11:32 pm	Hmm i Suck Apparently I totaly need to chill out. My ummmm "friend" from far away he is talking to me again, although i know for a fact that he was ignoring me yesterday. I've decided that I care far to much about everything, I need to chill. Not every one needs to like me, some people are going to hate me, actually Nadia has told me this before, i didn't listen to her why? But right now, I'm happy just being content, and i really don't need any one or anything, you know those moods you get into when all of the sudden it feels like everyone has some one and there all happy, well that's definitly what was going on in my head yesterday. Luckily for me I'm back in my right mind. Thanks to all my friends who looked out for me when i was all sad and mopey your all to good for putting up with a brat like me.Personally, all i think i need is my friends, they're totaly amazing, I love each and every one of them! Tomorrow's vollyball test=incompetant Taby. Hope Sam is there so we can be incompetant together! lol Current Mood: content Current Music: Something Beautiful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
10:44 pm	Friends....maybe i'm confused What does it mean when a guy tells you that you will still be friends? I thought it meant....well i thought it meant that you know we'd be friends still. Apparently it means, i'm going to ignore you from now on, does this mean that I was only worth talking to before when I was an otion? I honestly was doing good today, not relaly all that sad about what happened, but tha'ts when i'd still have a friend oh well i guess not, that's okay people have worse problems this, i should totally not be complaining it's really selfish, so i'm done, I promise i'm going to be happy again soon, just wait. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
11:45 pm	Wow, I'm an Idiot! Okay what were going to do now, is officially scratch everything i said in my last entry about that guy, we're just going to pretend that never happened. Note to self: No more falling for guys, any of them..AT ALL! Well i'm not actually serious there, but i kinda wish that i was right now. Wow I must say i'm taking this really well. Oh by the way, what i'm ranting about, far away guy, the only i REALLY liked, new girl, ya all i need to say. See i knew he was acting different, that should have been a red light. Man it was about time he lost interest in me, i knew he would, like the rest. But as long as he's happy i'm okay with that, he deserves to be happy. He is an amazing guy. Wow enough of that, it would proablly hurt a little less if i said he was an ass and a jerk and such, but because he's not it's like wow, couldn't have that eh, so right now i'm going to pretend that he si an ass, it relaly helps =). It's for the best really, i'm glad it happened now as opposed to later. It would have hurt worse when he found someone and i was completely in love with the guy. I'm sure there is some one out there who wants to be with me. i'll wait.... okay i'm all done waiting! where are you ?? well i'm out Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Letters to You (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
9:33 pm	Yay Me Well I am totally bored, and have nothing better to do, and I've decided that I should have some place to rant. Besides I feel far to guilty bitching to my friends, i don't want to bug anyone, so here is good enough. Wow so I don't know why, but the last few days I have felt extremely lonely. Like the kind of lonely when you don't have some one else, not like lonley because I have no friends. My friends are great and I love them to death. I have no idea why it is bothering me now, considering I've never had a boyfriend or anything, but for some reason I almost ache for one, it kinda bugs me really, i don't want to feel likei have to rely on someone else to be happy. There is one person that I would love nothing more than to be with, and he feels the same way about me, downside, he lives six hours away. I've never met someone so perfect for me, unfortunately just a tad bit out of my reach, upside, he may move down in June =). Actually he really makes me happy even now, just talking to him over msn. For some reason though, he is changing, or at least I think he is. Maybe i'm just paranoid, but he seems to really be distancing himself from me, it hurts more than it should. I don't want him to change, I went back and read our message history because i thought it might just be my imagination, but really he does seem different, it's a scary thought, even if we don't get together I don't want him to change, i'll just have to do everything I can to make things right again. In the mean time, i'm shopping for other options, unlikely, i might be to picky, i don't know for sure though. Oh well I'm out Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Dashboard (Comment on this)